37.61 + Right-sided Sore Throat - A Possible Source of Depression?

Yep..apparently I got mild fever, and an acute bacterial right tonsillitis, with a small amount of detritus in it. perhaps this is the source of my drowsiness this whole day, and perhaps the day before. Or perhaps I just hope it is so that I can have a rational excuse for my laziness. After all, I do make lots of rationalization with this depression.

Yes, I am depressed, I admit it, and I realize it, and I'm aware of it, but it doesn't solve the problem. I thought there should be a reason for this depression, perhaps it has something to do with the meaningless of life, that it has something to do with the faulty of my searching for the truth. well the search did brought to me this depression, while it shouldn't. But to think again, why was it in the first place that I begin to search. I realize that what I actually seek is energy, undiminished source of energy, I need an endless boost of spirit, and many authors refer it as "enthusiasm".

So in that sense, there is actually no reason for me to be depressed by what I found (Well I'll not claim that I have found some everlasting truth, because I don't know, I just found something, that's it). Because perhaps at some point at my way I have strayed. My search for energy has brought me to explore myself, "What is the cause of my emptiness?", I thought that if I find the source, I can cure it, and my energy will flow. But then I start so see the faulty, I start to judge myself, my parents, and people around me. My scepticism took over, and I'm entering an endless search for reason and meaning. I start to judge the way of human's world (because I don't find that the world itself is faulty, It is as it suppose to be), and start to hate them because they are worthless and hopeless. And what is worst is that I end up in self-hatred.

But thinking again, perhaps it should be "everything can be meaningless and pointless, but it doesn't have to effect me". It struck me that I'm searching for enthusiasm, and it shouldn't have anything to do with others, or even my faulty. I don't even know why I suddenly think of this way, perhaps De Melo has got in to my head, perhaps it is he that do the talking. Well I certainly hope not.

Or perhaps I'm just depressed in the first place because I didn't read enough cardiology and afraid of failing even if I don't admit it. but it is possible, you never know, hahaha.