Finally, I'm now officially a Cardio resident. Well, it has been officially announced by the department since 23th of may, but it just cross my mind that I wanna write a thing or two about it.
I have wanted to enter the Fellowship of Cardiology for a long long time, and it isn't at all an easy or even moderately difficult task, but instead it is a very very very HARD thing to achieve. I'll try to describe it without disclosing to much facts, but more just like a picture of how hard it is.
First, I have to bust my ass six hours a day, reading about cardiology. And that six hours doesn't come cheap either. Since I wasn't at home, but doing errands at South East Celebes, my surroundings there weren't actually conducive for such serious study, but I had no choice. So I went to the most comfortable coffee shop that I could find, and spent like almost all day sitting and forcing myself to read - which wasn't at all an easy task if you have leaved the college chair for more than two years -. Comfortable coffee shop also means, uncomfortable coffee and food price, but who cares - actually people will care, but I don't - because at that point, there is nothing more important that to be able to read and finish my study. So I would expend whatever it takes as long as I can study well.
Second I have to re-prepare for my TOEFL, which luckily wasn't such a hard task for me. Two days of review is enough for me, and I scored 627 by ILP standard, my last two years ago TOEFL was 630, it's a degradation but still acceptable. Sounds like bragging? You bet I am, anyone with TOEFL score 630 has the right to brag...hehehe...just kidding...or not.
And the last is that I have to pull strings that I never thought I would have to pull in my life. In my young naive days, I thought life is suppose to be simple. Work my ass hard enough, and I shall get what I deserve. But apparently, it isn't. I have to play smart, I have to consider every factors that could jeopardize my mission, and close the leaks here and there, and even after that, when I thought I've considered all leaks that is there to be anticipated, some unpredictable leak still emerged, and made the road slippery.
But eventually I succeed, not by my will power per se, but also by huge huge supporting factors (the collective will of many many people) that had been there along the road, aiding, guiding, even sometimes pushing me beyond my control to the direction that finally brought me here today. And from that six months of extraordinary experience, I could say that:
Heck, I'm being religious, oh well. I do believe that intelligence does play some part, but not that huge. In the end, its all about will, and fate. Fate is the equivalence of luck, and luck is govern by the will of the Absolute Spirit (Hegel's way of saying God). But even when the supporting factors are there, and ready to help me, if I wasn't ready, if I wasn't well prepared, if I had not such strong will to prepare myself, then the chance would've been missed, and I wouldn't had succeed.
Having endure such struggle, and then came out triumphant, I sure am very very happy shouldn't I? Well, there are some story about great warriors and winning their battles. Both the Pandawas and Napoleon succeed in defeating their enemy, and seize the enemy's castle, but the story goes that they found that the castle is empty, as empty as their heart, the winning doesn't mean a thing. So, do I feel the same way? Yes and no. Yes, because I realized that after the euphoria of triumph has passed, things go back to normal in there - in the heart - which apparently is also what my friends had experienced before. But also no because I don't actually feel empty as they are, because I know as hell I'll be devastated and probably perform hara-kiri if I had failed the test. Well, in a nutshell, I'm content. I never was a constantly euphoric guy, but at least these days, I'm not swinging down to the bottom of the mood scale.
And something else that I want to point out is that heart, mood, or emotion is unreliable. You can't keep them up all the time, because in order to do so you shall feed them constantly, and if you do that, you are a drug addict - anyone who have known me for a long time will know that I consider human is basically a drug addict -. and this is also stated by Schopenhauer' theory about will (not the same will as I said earlier, but more like a lusty, consuming, egotistical will) that it always "wants", and it will never be satisfied. Sound like following your heart is very very bad and primitive right? But I do also know that there is no way that you can live your life if you keep your mood scale, or shall I called it Schopenhauer ego meter stays at the bottom.
So what about love? - From cardio to love? No, I'm not on alcohol, not on drugs either, I just feel like babble a little about it, after all, if I put the word "Happiness" at the title, it would be very relevant to discuss about love right? - Does love can give me that constant flying mood? I don't know. Theoretically I should've said no, but I can't deny that in some way, I still do hope that it will. Well, probably not in constantly flying mood, but perhaps, if my mood meter is now oscillating from 40% - 80%, I hope, love - the right kind one which I hope I'll find - would bring me to around 30% - 100%, the bottom margin is loosened a bit to 30% because that is the amount of depression that I'll allow myself to be either caused by cardio, or by relationship.
Anyway, my new motorcycle, the white-pearl Yamaha Scorpio New Z has just arrived, WOHOOOOOO.... I probably call him Crixalis, since he is a white big muscular scorpion, just like Crixalis the DOTA character. Well, this will hold my mood meter for some time, if he could help me getting a girl he could probably hold it for much longer. White motor bike riders equals to white horsed prince right? Or no..I start to sound disgusting. Okay..On that bombshell..Good night..(Clarkson style).
But eventually I succeed, not by my will power per se, but also by huge huge supporting factors (the collective will of many many people) that had been there along the road, aiding, guiding, even sometimes pushing me beyond my control to the direction that finally brought me here today. And from that six months of extraordinary experience, I could say that:
Human greatness is only limited by his/her power of will and God's will
Heck, I'm being religious, oh well. I do believe that intelligence does play some part, but not that huge. In the end, its all about will, and fate. Fate is the equivalence of luck, and luck is govern by the will of the Absolute Spirit (Hegel's way of saying God). But even when the supporting factors are there, and ready to help me, if I wasn't ready, if I wasn't well prepared, if I had not such strong will to prepare myself, then the chance would've been missed, and I wouldn't had succeed.
Training is nothing, Will is everything
Ra's Al Ghul - Batman Begins
Having endure such struggle, and then came out triumphant, I sure am very very happy shouldn't I? Well, there are some story about great warriors and winning their battles. Both the Pandawas and Napoleon succeed in defeating their enemy, and seize the enemy's castle, but the story goes that they found that the castle is empty, as empty as their heart, the winning doesn't mean a thing. So, do I feel the same way? Yes and no. Yes, because I realized that after the euphoria of triumph has passed, things go back to normal in there - in the heart - which apparently is also what my friends had experienced before. But also no because I don't actually feel empty as they are, because I know as hell I'll be devastated and probably perform hara-kiri if I had failed the test. Well, in a nutshell, I'm content. I never was a constantly euphoric guy, but at least these days, I'm not swinging down to the bottom of the mood scale.
And something else that I want to point out is that heart, mood, or emotion is unreliable. You can't keep them up all the time, because in order to do so you shall feed them constantly, and if you do that, you are a drug addict - anyone who have known me for a long time will know that I consider human is basically a drug addict -. and this is also stated by Schopenhauer' theory about will (not the same will as I said earlier, but more like a lusty, consuming, egotistical will) that it always "wants", and it will never be satisfied. Sound like following your heart is very very bad and primitive right? But I do also know that there is no way that you can live your life if you keep your mood scale, or shall I called it Schopenhauer ego meter stays at the bottom.
So what about love? - From cardio to love? No, I'm not on alcohol, not on drugs either, I just feel like babble a little about it, after all, if I put the word "Happiness" at the title, it would be very relevant to discuss about love right? - Does love can give me that constant flying mood? I don't know. Theoretically I should've said no, but I can't deny that in some way, I still do hope that it will. Well, probably not in constantly flying mood, but perhaps, if my mood meter is now oscillating from 40% - 80%, I hope, love - the right kind one which I hope I'll find - would bring me to around 30% - 100%, the bottom margin is loosened a bit to 30% because that is the amount of depression that I'll allow myself to be either caused by cardio, or by relationship.
Anyway, my new motorcycle, the white-pearl Yamaha Scorpio New Z has just arrived, WOHOOOOOO.... I probably call him Crixalis, since he is a white big muscular scorpion, just like Crixalis the DOTA character. Well, this will hold my mood meter for some time, if he could help me getting a girl he could probably hold it for much longer. White motor bike riders equals to white horsed prince right? Or no..I start to sound disgusting. Okay..On that bombshell..Good night..(Clarkson style).
3 comments:
just bumped into this post... haha... interesting enough, but I do have a little bit confusion in the part when you mention about heart, mood, or emotion is unreliable. For me, it's quiet unclear. If you please, could you explain it to me in more simpler way? hahahaha
danke...
Helo Cousin..thanks for reading :D
Simple, emotion is like a roller coaster..it goes up and down according to our surroundings or other stimuli that we get...or sometimes, it goes up and down by itself with out any specific reason...one thing for sure, it requests to be fulfilled..and it's not okay to always say yes to it hehe...
hehehe... I love reading your "footnotes" since Friendster's blog loh... haha
alright, about emotion-explanation, it does make sense, but then in other way do you think that heart, and emotion is the same thing? because, I personally there is a subtle difference between "heart" and emotion. Emotion has been affected mainly by desire where in ur context is determined by surroundings or other stimuli.
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